Learning to Live

Three years ago. I miss him. I’ve spent a week with this family. I miss him so much. I miss him on the good days and the bad days. I miss his eyes, his smile, and his arms. I miss his feet. 

I appreciate how much he grew; he expanded his pallet and learned to following GPS and negotiate our roads. 

I am grateful that he was so honest. It’s been more than a week with this family, and every day just confirms that he always told me the truth. 

I am grateful that we spent time and money on adventures. Those adventures turned into memories that turned into treasures. 

I was a bit of a miser who wasted money on food and convienence, but tried to always travel and shop cheaply. I wanted to go on a chair lift to the top of the highest mountain in Turkey, but when I heard the price of the ticket and the cost of the taxi I never would have done it. He didn’t flinch. It was our honeymoon trip. We had had a breakthrough the night before when after several days of anxious traveling and speeding on my part, when he like the true discerner he was, pointed out that I was still in work mode and hadn’t been able to turn off the high speed pressure. I wept. He held me. And slowly, I relaxed and began to enjoy the moments, instead of rushing to do as much as possible. 

That is when I began to realize that at his slow speed, he was living more life than I was, rushing to do as much as possible because life is short. 

I lived my life with a life is short mentality, not knowing how short his life would be. He taught me that when it comes to doing things, it’s quality over quantity. I still don’t nap very well, but I do sit and drink tea and enjoy the view. 

I learned to make normal days special but also to invest in special memories. So this time, when I chairlifted up the mountain with Zoya I knew it was a good investment and I savored the mountain top, without thinking of the time or the schedule or anything else. Because the mountain top in Turkey was the first time I learned to just enjoy with him. 

Still living. 
Still treasuring.