There is a silver lining to grief and the exhaustion in brings. Realizing that you are experiencing an irreversible trauma that few will ever experience helps you be kinder to yourself. Despite a good sleep and relaxing yet active morning, for no obvious reason exhaustion hit again yesterday afternoon. I was racing to get back for church and then racing to have a restful evening. That is such a perfect example of my life before Shah’s influence. I was always racing so fast to experience all of life that I never actually stopped to live. A wise friend reminded me that Shah would want me to slow down and rest, and I know that is what God wanted for me as well.
So we stopped on the way home and played in the fountain of a mall for a long time.
That is a silver lining. Not that you have to be grieving to play in water fountains. But when you realize how sudden and irreversible his death came right after you celebrated your daughter’s first birthday, and how everyday you have to learn to live with that trauma, you are more purposeful about reCreation and notice the water sparkling in the light and the joy in your child’s face.
Before I might have allowed her to play while I focused on my phone or sacrificed and tried to interact with my daughter. Now I take time to experience this joy with her knowing it will strengthen and restore both of us.
The silver lining of grief is that we can experiencing moments of good in life that might otherwise escape our attention. As we do things we know the one who loved us would want us to do for ourselves, we are also doing what the One who loves us wants us to do.