Our loss is very present on the eve of her first day of school. The man who was so excited to be a husband and a father that would have been over the moon excited about the first day of full day school is dead. It is so wrong that he isn’t with us tonight.
A random trigger is making this moment a little more poignant and emotional. In reading through the events of the school year, I saw a special day for dads to go to lunch with their children, because a dad being at school is “extra special,” but there is no similar day on the list for mothers. Seemingly, because mothers are often there to help at lunch. This doesn’t only trigger the pain from the loss of the lifelong desire to be a stay at home mother who could go to lunch with her child, rather than a working mother. It triggers fury over the injustice that there are kids whose fathers would never bother to come to school for lunch unless they make it a special dad day while Zoya’s father would have been there all the time had he not been killed.
I am not usually good at feeling anger. I can usually stop right at sadness and grief. But today, I am furious. I don’t mind special days for dads and special days for moms. We are well aware that Shah is gone. It doesn’t”remind” us. It actually helps us remember how things should be. However, this reminder that other fathers are not fully taking advantage of their ability to be with their children, makes me glad I haven’t given away the boxing gloves.