So far, the holidays are so much worse than I expected.  I remember reading one person’s blog who said they were better than she expected, better than the ordinary days, but that is not the case for me.

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Ordinary days have been hard, but this is worse.  I don’t know what is harder, doing things without him that we once did together or doing nothing at all.

The days are so long and pass so slowly.  Yet the weeks go so fast.  15418452_10153990353767026_2111564613899878282_o.jpgThese pictures are lovely, but all I see is the person who is missing.  I’m glad I was prepared for it to begin to get worse around the sixth month mark. I didn’t dread it, and knowing it was coming helps me hope that better days will also come. I didn’t realize all I’d lost.  Maybe I still don’t.

I didn’t just lose my love.  I lost the person who made spending time with me a priority during holidays.  I lost the person who cared for Zoya and contributed to the household income.  I lost the person I make decisions with and the person who made others keep their opinions to themselves.  I lost the person who was going to make it possible for me to stay home and home school Zoya.  I lost the person I was learning to be a better person with.  I lost the person I was growing with.  I lost her baba.  I lost my constant friend.

But I don’t want to end on that note, the world is dark enough.  There is good and I want to end with a few thankfuls.

I’m thankful for friends who reach out at random times.  I’m thankful that Zoya has an aunt to love her and care for her while I am gone.  I’m thankful that I have a church and pastors who are looking out for me.  I’m thankful that I forgot to cancel HelloFresh this week and I had a good meal.  I’m thankful I had the energy to open my mail today.

I’m thankful that a God who loves me likes to do the impossible.  Surviving my future and raising Zoya the way we wanted to seems impossible right now, but with God all things are possible.

Anyone want to share a pain or a thankful?

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About Camila

Based in Atlanta, but from the mountains of North Carolina. New widow of a man from Iran. Mother of one precious girl. Anti-human trafficking expert. Sister to 16 siblings (Yes, some of are adopted). Daughter of God.

12 comments on “Holidays after Loss

  1. Reblogged this on Praying for the millennials and commented:
    May the Lord’s Presence and purpose for you and Zoya continue to strengthen and sustain you throughout each day.

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  2. Stellise Kirk

    I pray for you still. I can almost-sometimes-kinda-sorta imagine your grief….your writings speak so well of it, even though I know that it is something only you can and will ever know and feel. I was reading some quotes on grief last night and came across this one. Don’t know this author, and from a few other writings that I read, I’m not sure I’d especially have her her books on my reading list…but, this quote touched me, as I grieve over a very sad situation with my daughter and grandchildren, (and I realize the huge range of “levels” of grief“), but I was immediately reminded of you also. “My sister will die over and over again for the rest of my life. Grief is forever. It doesn’t go away; it becomes a part of you, step for step, breath for breath. I will never stop grieving Bailey because I will never stop loving her. That’s just how it is. Grief and love are conjoined, you don’t get one without the other. All I can do is love her, and love the world, emulate her by living with daring and spirit and joy.”
    ― Jandy Nelson, The Sky Is Everywhere

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    • Thank you for sharing that. I expect it is very true. There is no where in my imagination that I will stop loving him and missing him. I just pray that the reality of his eternal life will become more and more real to me as I learn to see through spiritual eyes.
      It is true, as you said, that all grief is different, but there is also a commonality to it as well. We grieve loss, loss of company, life, health, innocence . . . All who are grieving have to learn how to get up every morning and hope, despite all we see around us.

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      • Stellise Kirk

        That “reality of his eternal life” is the key for believers in Christ, isn’t it? How else could we get up every morning? Don’t want to overload you with quotes, but this one is short – it speaks of that “reality” maybe?….“There need not be a purpose to a person’s death, other than that they have lived the length of their days on this Earth and now begin the longer part of their existence.”
        ― Brian M. Holmes, What Are You Crying About? Defeating Grief for Christians

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    • That second quote was so perfectly timed. Several times in the last few days, including hours before you sent that quote, I have been reminded that “all the days written for me were known before the world began.” Shah was only ever given 34 years on this earth. I don’t know why, but I’m grateful that I knew him for the last three.

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  3. rogerholmack

    I can’t say I’m doing better or worse this Christmas season, I’m kinda numb. I’m thankful that each day I wake and know I’m making it thru another day. Then I know I’ve healed if just only a hair.

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    • Roger,
      I’m thankful that you are thankful to wake up each day. That can really be huge. And I expect you are right, we do heal a little each day, even on days when the pain gets worse. Increased pain does not negate healing. It can be part of the process. Reading your blog and and responding to comments on my blog reminded me that I probably need to reread Through the Eyes of a Lion. Have you read any books that have been particularly helpful?

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      • rogerholmack

        I’m reading one by Kathleen Duncan, a fellow blogger and another person in a group I’m in. One from the library, I’d have to look it up in the app. I have a hard time reading grief books. I find reading others blogs are better for me. I’ve gone through a number of grief devotionals in the YouVersion Bible. I find them helpful.

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      • Roger,
        I love how unique everyone is. I really like Kathleen’s blog. I bought her book and am looking forward to reading it. The first few months I read constantly. I wanted to read every book by every widow ever written, though some of the most meaningful and encouraging books for me were ones written by people who had lost their children. I’m reading more slowly now, but reading is something I look forward to doing more over Christmas.

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  4. Praying for your peace and encouragement.

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