I missed a day of blogging, because my baby was sick and we were busying living life. That’s the reason. No excuse is needed.
I hated her fever. I was also not a fan of her trying to nurse for 10 straight hours as we tried to sleep. Let’s be honest. You don’t become a mother and suddenly become completely unselfish. I kept up the nursing because it made her feel better and I hope it still gives her antibodies so that we can quickly return to a more active life. Last night, she definitely seemed to be on the mend as she danced around to the Nutcracker.
Comfort in Unique Ways
Someone mentioned that each day they get up they believe they have healed just a bit more. It doesn’t always feel like that, but I do believe that is true. Yes, right now it is getting more real and more painful, but that doesn’t mean that I’m not healing. Coming out of shock and a coma may lead to feeling more pain, but doesn’t mean you are not healing.
I also feel like God has faithfully continued to teach me a little more each day. People are very different. I see that more and more as I see different people grieve in different ways, and it is very beautiful. We were created by a complex creator who certainly did not use the same mold for all of us.
I am a person who generally ranks head over heart, so in grief this constant teaching is the unique best way to comfort me. It isn’t something I knew about myself going into this. I mean, I considered being an engineer and read physics books for fun, I knew I ranked head over heart. But I had no idea that it would translate to me finding comfort in reading mountains of books and studying scripture.
One widower who is thriving now mentioned that he spent six months lighting candles, sitting in the dark, and listening to mournful classic requiem music. I tried it once. I got bored after a few seconds.
Gratefulness and Hope
One of the things I feel like God has taught me recently is about gratefulness and hope, and how they affect me in the moment. I can’t be grateful for the future right now. I can’t even be thankful for Christmas coming in a few days. But I can be grateful for the moment, and hopeful for the future.
I can be grateful when I see Zoya dancing and playing, and when I get to drink margaritas with friends, and when my car starts, and when I have a meaningful conversation with a friend.
I can be hopeful that God has plans for the future that I cannot even imagine. I can be hopeful that God will do what seems impossible. And it is more than hope. It is faith. I don’t just hope these things. I am certain of these things.
Heb 11:1 Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.
The worry comes when I think about the future and wonder how I will provide. The depression comes when I look at the future and think that every day will look like today.
But God’s grace is sufficient for today. I can rejoice in what I have today. Tomorrow is a whole other circus and I can hope for more miracles tomorrow and have faith that God will provide.