Missing Him – The Back Yard

I haven’t spent a lot of time in our backyard, since he died.  It’s too empty without him. There are too many spider webs. Too many weeds and overgrown plants. But it doesn’t feel good to weed them either. What’s the point?  He isn’t going to come back and make pesto for us or enjoy the flowers.
I used to think the backyard was the best part of our house. It feels so foreign and uncomfortable now. It’s no longer ours.
Even Zoya’s fits of giggles in the swing we bought her didn’t help warm the place for me. It feels wild and dangerous. I don’t know how to be there. It’s not right with him gone.
I’ll keep trying. Some places are just harder than others. I did my first full grocery shopping today and I didn’t want to throw things again, but it didn’t feel right either.
Parts of life are starting to fit again. Some days are special and joyful. But we wish we were still doing this with Baba so some days we just hurt and cry.