Not Being Able to Talk – Trusting God with My Husband

One of the hardest things about what happened is not being able to talk about what happened.
Why can’t we have some time to talk about him getting shot and killed?  Why can’t we talk about guns and drugs and society?  Why can’t we talk about raising Zoya without her Baba?  What would he have said if we had sat there a year ago and talked about Zoya and I being alone in a year?
Traumatic sudden deaths really are different than slow expected ones. There are so many things that the brain and heart are trying to do at the same time. So often, I’m still just processing the trauma; the sudden change in life still has me spinning. The grieving is another thing entirely.
I’m having to learn a whole new level of trusting God, one that I never imagined. I don’t just have to trust him with my life, I have to trust him with Shah.
A few days before he died I was praying and told God is was trusting Shah into his hands and I would do whatever He desired. Little did I know how soon I would be called on that and how little my actions were to be involved.
It’s so hard. I used to say marriage was hard. This is harder. I trust God, but it isn’t easy. I’m grateful for all the ways God spoke to me beforehand.

Jesus told the disciples before he died, so that they would have peace. God did the same for me. It’s one of his biggest blessings. He’s teaching me to have faith and helping me trust my love to him every day.
A friend made this drawing and I love it. It helps me remember that God is in control, that he is bigger than what happened, that he has spoken to me, and that he has overcome.