death of spouse Grief Life Savoring Life widow

Savoring Life in Grief

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The weekend after Shah died I remember asking another young widow if you ever regained the desire to live. She assured me that she did. I couldn’t yet even imagine it. I was by no means suicidal, but I was just longing for Shah and heaven.
I still long for Shah and heaven, but I am learning to love the life I’ve been given again. I have always been very purposeful about trying to get the most out of life, but it used to be a speedy, do as much as possible type effort, and now it is slow and truly savoring life. I learned that from Shah.
Everyday, once work is over, my primary task now is loving Zoya and healing. Healing comes many ways, Bible and books, prayer and journaling, talking and listening, nature and food. Loving Zoya sometimes means disciplining, but mostly means finding ways to provoke laughter and delight.
Thanks to God, through the gifts, time and prayers of so many, life is becoming beautiful.
Part of the effects of trauma is that it’s hard to keep more than one thought in my head at a time. Everything is very disjointed and compartmentalized. This can be a blessing. While driving home to see my precious little girl, I had a moment of thinking that this is the best time of my life because I get to love this adorable little girl. (I thank those of you who have assured me that they love their adult children, so I have more to look forward to.)  Of course, I had more than one moment of sobbing uncontrollably, because the love of my life was taken from me just as he was having the best time of his life.
But I have to trust that his new life is even better… Because I love him… I need this.
But Zoya and I are learning to continue on earth without him. We are learning to rejoice in our suffering, because great is our reward in heaven. We are learning to play.

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