This warm body who held us for so long is gone. My mind cannot even comprehend that one so loving and alive and soft and strong, can suddenly be gone.
How can I not hug him again? Why can’t Zoya climb on his head? Why can’t I lay my head on his chest? Why can’t we kiss again?
It doesn’t seem possible that this can have happened and that we can be expected to just go on with our lives.
I’ve lost my partner and my retreat.
But we do go on with out lives and that makes his life and death impossible to believe.
It’s not possible that this wonder, this man, was alive and with us and is now dead, if the mundane parts of life continue.
And what was Zoya doing tonight? She wouldn’t sleep. She just kept crawling over to his spot and saying Baba? BABA? baba?
It’s not right.
I want our life back.
I want our space back.
I want our schedule back.
I want our patterns.
I want US to be the ones raising Zoya.
I want our privacy.
I want our meals.
I want our conversations.
I want our touch.
I want our decisions.
Why can’t this all be a nightmare that I can wake up from?!
God Provides for Us 
Oh Camila, this is agony. This really spoke to me. I feel like you are saying exactly what I would say and what I’ve thought I would go through if I were to lose Jonathan. I grieve for you. I grieve for your sweet baby. I’m so sorry. I pray you will have peace and a special sense of God’s presence tonight. Let me know if you want to come over this week.
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I feel like every step of brain healing leads to fresh pain because this physical reality is horrifying. I’d love to get together. I’ll send you a message
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