Things I Know by Faith

God knew what was going to happen to Shah and prepared me.

Shah was only ever given 34 years to live.

• Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. Psalm 139:16

God knew how Shah would die.

• Jesus said, “Feed my sheep. 18Very truly I tell you, when you were younger you dressed yourself and went where you wanted; but when you are old you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will dress you and lead you where you do not want to go.” 19Jesus said this to indicate the kind of death by which Peter would glorify God. Then he said to him, “Follow me!” John 21:17-19 

 

 
I was hoping to make a longer list, but I may try to do that later. This 34 years thing has really stuck with me today and given me my first high point in several days.

God created a man who was going to be on this earth 34 years. He was a beautiful flower and they never last long, as his brother said. He also created him with a heart that never wanted to live to an old age. I could not comprehend why he didn’t want to live at least as long as all of my amazing and alive grandparents, and he really never could explain it to me.

But focusing on that truth again has helped me realize that God also had a plan for me for after his 34 years. So when good things happen or changes for the better, I can see that as God’s plan to care for me in this time of deep grieving.

One thing I was most angry about at first was good things that happened, like paying off my car, that we had been working towards and anticipating. He had been so looking forward to this that it made me furious that God didn’t let us enjoy it together.

But it really is all about perspective and only the slightest turn of the focus to think about the gift of 34 years and the fact that plans for my grieving period were also know and that provisions were made, allows me to be grateful.

No God did not kill my husband, but he knew he would be murdered at age 34 and prepared both of us, and the hearts of so many who are caring for Zoya and I now. God allowed it and he will bring amazing good out of it. The death of this seed will produce eternal fruit. Even when most of the world has forgotten him, he will be making an impact through me and Zoya.

I want Zoya to know how special she is. God brought a beautiful man across the planet to be her father and hold, hug, kiss, and adore her for the last year of his life. When God gifted us with this precious girl, I think he was giving Shah a little preview of his heavenly reward here on earth. She is our most valued gift.