Excitement

OK, well this is new. I’m excited. 

I’ve anticipated a few things since my husband died, but I wouldn’t go so far as to say I’ve been excited. 

And my daughter seems to be excited as well. She insisted on sleeping in the adorable bathing suit her aunt gave her tonight. 

I’ve actually started gathering things to pack. I remember packing early for my trips to visit Shah in Istanbul and some of our big trips, but since he died I can barely remember pack more than a minute before I leave and I’m not sure I’ve packed for Zoya all year. My sister does that for me. I don’t get around to it. 

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But today, while I’m feeling such pain and confusion over his death, I’m at the same time very excited to take this little girl to Florida for some time in the pool. 

I love it when I read something from a fellow griever who can explain grief well, because it’s not sure hard to put into words, it’s even hard to put into thought. 

I can be excited about a weekend vacation and at the same time be in such pain that I can’t breathe without shaking. 

I can not think of anything I want other than for this not to have happened, and at the same be so grateful for all that has happened since he died. 

It ups and downs, waves of sadness comes and goes. But overtime, there are more and more times when the deepest sadness and joy exist at the same time, in equal measures. And the head gets so confused. And the soul knows it needs to rest.