Grief

What Will My Life Look Like

It feels like it’s almost time to make some decision and goals. I was told not to make any major changes I the first year after a loss, and I think that was good advice. It is way too easy to make a decision in a high moment that will not work during a wave of grief, or a decision during a waive of pain that doesn’t bring the healing you expect. 

I have about six weeks more weeks til the one year anniversary. I know, despite some good times, all the anniversaries in May are going to be incredibly hard. I actually wouldn’t make a major decision right now, but I don’t think it’s bad to start thinking a bit. 

I loved planning life with Shah. We prioritized well at home and eating out less, but also eating well when we did eat out. Prior to that I’d been a cheapest thing on the menu, but nearly nightly eating out, kinda girl. We/he wanted a constantly clean house and kitchen. Travel was always a priority. Socializing outside the home was a rare thing.  Lagunage learning was a priority.  Help others was as natural to him as breathing. 

I loved our life as a family of three, but now we are a family of two, with one adult and a toddler. There are parts of us that I want to keep, but parts that need to change. Being social outside the house needs to be a much bigger priority. That’s really a change I’ve already slowly made, but it still needs some thought. Food is still in survival mode, but it will soon be time to figure out our new food values. 

I want cultures, language, and travel remain priorities. We’ve met some new Iranians who are stretching my language skills, and it’s been great to reconnect with that culture. But travel just hasn’t really happened since Shah died. We took a work trip to D.C. and drove to Savannah and St Pete. That was wonderful, but wasn’t the kind of travel and exploring that Shah and I liked to do. I recently found the three goals for our family that Shah wrote down in premarital counseling, and one of them was lots of travel with children as a family. 

I want Zoya to be my travel buddy. The only way I’m going to be able to visit the places Shah really wanted to go is if I am showing them to Zoya. So with that in mind, I just booked a test flight to Orlando. Zoya and mama are going on an airplane.  Ariel took her to the airport lobby last week and she loved it. It’s the last weekend Zoya can fly for free. Shah and I planned to take a lot of trips this year to take advantage of free lap seats. It didn’t happen. But I’m going to get one in and it’s a good thing she likes this butterfly and it’s tail. 

I’m prepared for it to be an exhausting disaster, but at least I’ll have done it and we can always try again next year. 

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About Camila

From the mountains of North Carolina. New widow of a man from Iran. Mother of one precious girl. Anti-human trafficking expert. Pro-life leader. Sister to 16 siblings. Daughter of God.

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