Life keeps going even after he dies. It goes one day at a time, no faster, no slower. At first I wanted it to stop, so that he had only kissed me goodbye hours ago, not days, weeks and months ago. I couldn’t believe it when it had been four weeks.
Other times I just want it to move faster. While Zoya slept, I had a complete breakdown about how long it would probably be before I saw Shah again. This life can seem so long and while each day, I am getting closer to seeing him again, those days can move so slowly.
I want days to stop and move faster at the same time. But then progress, with 24 hours in each day, day after day.
Zoya has grown up so much. She makes so many new sounds and has new words and attitudes. She is strong and determined, but also seems to have a big of his relaxed nature at times. She is beautiful. She still loves ducks, and fittingly, loves the water and loves to swim
Ariel, my sister, is still living with us. This is one of the first nights that I’ve been home alone since he died. It has gone well. We’ve cleaned a bit, eaten pasta (this weeks favorite) and I’ve let Sesame Street be a bit of a second parent. I used to be so insistent that he not let her see the screen on his phone and we almost never watched TV when she was around, but I’ve totally slacked. She has been happy for almost 30 minutes with this show and I’ve been able to get a few things done. I promise I’ll turn it off soon. Maybe.
I’m working 30 hours a week, but Zoya sleeps until 11:00 am so she hardly misses me. We spend our afternoons running, swimming or hanging out with friends.
I badly want some alone time, adult time. I’ve finally started taking advantage of people’s offers to watch Zoya. I need days and weeks and months of silence to read and write and think and pray through this time. I know I’m not going to get it all at the same time, but I’ll take whatever hours I can get.
But I also don’t want to be away from her for too long. It’s counter-productive to have so much alone time that I am just wondering how she is doing.
We eat out a lot, a ridiculous amount. Gone are the days of eating out being a rare special event, like he and I made them. Unless someone brings food or I boil water for pasta, we eat out. There is currently, nothing uncommon about fast-food. I’ve definitely had more fast-food this month than we had our entire marriage. Good food will be part of our life again in the future, it just isn’t a priority this month.
Breathing is a priority, followed by laughter and sleep. Reading and journal time rank high. Cleaning low. I want so badly to keep everything neat and clean, but basically, during this season, it’s like the worst brain farts of pregnancy, times 1000. If you have ever experienced the forgetful and clumsiness of pregnancy, multiply that by 1000 and then try appearing to function as an adult.