He was here just a minute ago.
That thought hit me like a sledge hammer today. I’ve been swimming along in the river of grief the last few days, moving forward, swimming strong, learning to see the truth of where he is now and learning to see God caring for my every moment. Then I glanced around and realized, just a few days ago he was still here. It’s not even been two months. There is still good cheese in the refrigerator that we bought. There is still juice that we bought. He slept on these sheets so recently that I haven’t washed them and they still don’t stink.
He held her just the other day. His charger, his papers, his shampoo are still in place. I don’t know why the recentness of this is so hard.
I can’t keep his really having been here living life with me a few weeks ago in my head a the same time I remember that he is now with God.
Just a few weeks ago, I had never experienced full loss. Just a few weeks ago Zoya still had her daddy holding her tight. Just a few weeks ago, we could have tried out the new sushi buffet. Just a few weeks ago I had never been out at 4:00 am yelling in abandoned lots, looking for my husband. Just a few weeks ago, he collapsed on me happy but exhausted after a good night’s work. And it was our last night to sleep in the same bed, feet touching, hands touching heads, Zoya in the middle.
I miss him so much. I wish he would just walk through the door. I want our life back.
But God has another plan. And goodness will triumph. And Shah has pure peace and joy with the new plan. This time I am the one who is moving slowly. But I pray that everyday I will move closer to the place thay Shah is now. A place of love, peace, joy, in full unity with God.