I like this thought and prayer that a friend sent me today. I think the world would like to fill the gap with distraction and numb the pain with a substance or addiction or even guilt or physical pain.
God gives us the grace to make it through. I have had times of great joy and even a real feeling of connection, like when rather than my normal pretend to listen to a child, I played mermaid with my niece and we pretended mermaids spoke farsi and learned some farsi words.
I was just going to keep Zoya happy for a bit in the pool but then I remembered that Shah would really be listening and talking to the children and I tried it. It was joyous.
God can bring real joy even with the great loss, and that feels so different than an attack of pure worldly distraction.
Yes, I believe in the spiritual world and it feels like my attack has not stopped. Pain, distraction, and more hardship, like my car continuing to break down, continue to try to pull me out of the safety of God’s hand; but he will not let me go.
So yes, there is a huge and painful gap. The man with whom I ate the best fish,
And discovered my favorite food while watching the best sunset,
Who introduced me to persimmons,
Who shared this breakfast with me,
Who ate so many Magnum ice cream with me that we got sick of them,
Who picked these flowers for me,
And bought me my first pomegranate juice,
is no longer on this earth.
There is a giant hole in my life. It doesn’t seem possible that I no longer share those memories with anyone.
I just have to remember that those memories built a foundation on which we built a marriage and the fruits of that marriage exist both in me and in our child.
This is our new life. It’s not what we hoped for, but it’s still an amazing gift. Team Zolfaghari is now half with God and half on earth, but I still love being on this team.
Love all of your writings Camilla. You are very thoughtful and I know your dear husband is proud of you and Zoya. Love you both.