You never know what will be an emotional trigger. You dread somethings and they are peaceful, and then somethings blindside you.
It seems there is little friends and family can do but be nearby when a wave hits and let you know they are available if you need to run off and have your moment. It’s not something you can usually predict and so one of the best things I’ve been told was when my cousin said, whenever it hits you just hand me Zoya and go.
I thought Zoya walking and hitting milestones would be a trigger, but it hasn’t been at all.
The crime scene visit was a trigger, but in a good way and not at all what I expected.
But on the other hand getting my random rebate check from the insurance company that comes every few weeks, that is usually less than $10 but he always went to deposit, set me into into a terrible breakdown.
I’m anticipating a hard 4th, but I don’t know.
I was terrified to come home and return to our bed, but both have been so very peaceful. Our bed hasn’t been a trigger at all, it’s been a healing place.
Church was OK with just a friend, but today with Zoya and not Shah, was so very hard.
Triggers aren’t bad things. Emotions and tears and part of this process. I want to feel them. I want to shed them.
But not knowing what will cause them is part of letting go of all control.
I keep trying to predict if I’ll have a good morning or a good afternoon. Or if I cry in the morning does that guarantee a break for a few hours. There isn’t anything predictable. It’s like an amusment park ride in the dark, where you never know when the next drop or rise will be. But it’s not even always fast. It’s not like Space Mountain. There are parts of the ride that are as calm as It’s a Small World. And the secret to it all seems to embrace each moment, to rest in the calm and know that the hard is working stuff our for good. It’s like never-ending labor that just won’t get on a schedule. And like labor, in the end there will be something beautiful.
Truly, truly, I say to you, that you will weep and lament, but the world will rejoice; you will grieve, but your grief will be turned into joy. Whenever a woman is in labor she has pain, because her hour has come; but when she gives birth to the child, she no longer remembers the anguish because of the joy that a child has been born into the world. Therefore you too have grief now; but I will see you again, and your heart will rejoice, and no one will take your joy away from you.
John 16:20-22 NASB