I’ve lost my husband.
We won’t go see the art museums in NYC.
We won’t go to a jazz club.
He won’t take Zoya on a date.
He won’t get to flip a house in America.
We won’t continue to expand each others pallets.
We’ll never get to go to a marriage conference.
I won’t have a little boy Shah.
He won’t go meet my family in Boston.
We won’t meet his friends in Toronto.
We will never drive out west.
We won’t raise bees or get a chameleon.
We won’t buy a minivan.
He’ll never hear how much she will talk (and he so loved her voice deep scratchy voice when she babbled).
She’ll never learn to scratch his back.
He won’t walk her down the aisle.
I can’t continue this list
There is so much more we hoped to do, despite our general protection of living in the moment and appreciating each day.
I must return to thinking about all we did get.
But I don’t want to pretend it just takes a few positive thoughts to right the wrong that has been done or that I’m good every moment of the day. The goodness needed to overcome this evil is a powerful force.
Pray I will see this all through God’s eyes. Pray I will see the spiritual world. Because at this moment and at times throughout the day, I can only see the loss.