The man I love is no longer on this earth with me. His body is here, buried, but he is not. Sometimes I want to go get a shovel and dig him up again just so that I can lay my head on his chest, hold his hand again, and kiss his feet. I loved his feet; huge, big hobbit style feet.
It’s been two weeks. I’ve had ups and downs, highs and lows; but mostly, none of it feels real. Last night, half awake, half asleep, I thought, “it’s impossible, they can’t keep him away, he HAS his visa.” How can we have gone through the process, engagement visa, marriage, green card, and now, just as we were starting to see citizenship on the horizon, he’s gone. He can’t be gone. I have to renew the green card next month.
And then we go to the bank, it took us several trips to the bank for them to get our address and name and everything right just so he could get his first credit card and start building his credit. They kept messing it up, but it never stopped him. Jobs disappeared, companies moved, and yet he never stopped moving forward and chasing our dreams. There is no way random evil and two bullets stopped him. He’s going to keep going. He always does.
Except, it’s really over. I know a bit why the grieving process takes so long. I can’t even start it until I can grasp the truth.
I know I’m just at the beginning of a very long process. I’m so grateful for those who have volunteered to be with me for the long haul.
Someday I won’t peek to his side to the bed to check to see if this is all just a bad dream. Someday I won’t wonder what exactly happened so that we can somehow undo it. Someday I’ll embrace my new beautiful life with my little girl.
But that day is not today. Though there are moments of clarity and moments of tears, moments of peace and moments of fears, I know my brain has only just begun to comprehend what has been done.
Lo, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me, your rod and your staff they comfort me.
There are times I’m filled with anger. There are times I’m filled with doubt. I don’t have all the answers now. I’m not sure I have any.
But I will hope in the goodness of the Lord. I will wait for His truth to be revealed. And if waiting is too hard, and I start to run away, I pray God will chase me down and hold me tight.
I loved that man, and at times, I can rejoice that he is now a perfect Shah, freed from human bonds of sin, and one day we will be reunited, and I will celebrate again with him.