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The Next Day

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I woke up the day of his memorial service in a panic. I wasn’t ready.  I wasn’t ready for the finality, wasn’t ready to say good bye, didn’t have my words right, I wasn’t ready and wouldn’t be ready in an hour, or a day, or a week or a year.  I’m never going to be ready.

But I realized, as much as I never wanted the memorial service to come and end, I was even more afraid of the next day, the day when it is all over, when I just have to sit with the emptiness with nothing ahead to look forward to; because as hard as the memorial service was, I knew what he wanted, I knew my brother and sister would share stories that would reveal what an amazing man he was, and I knew my pastor would speak and give hope and truth.  I was able to look into his eyes as this photo was projected onto the wall and talk to him.  I wasn’t ready for the service, because I didn’t want it to end.  I didn’t want it to be over.

This isn’t right and it wasn’t supposed to happen.  The full range of emotions are just starting to come, the anger, the sorrow, the confusion, the despair, the fear, the doubt.

But the next day came, no matter what I do, I cannot get them to stop.  Everyday, our last kiss is farther away.  I keep talking about “last weekend,” but already our last weekend is two weekends away, by tomorrow, it will be three.

Keep us in your prayers.  I don’t know what this looks like.  I thank everyone who has pledged their prayers and support, and especially those who are determined to walk through these shadows with us.

I lost an amazing love and I’m so grateful to all of those who have shared with me how hearing his story, meeting him, or knowing him has impacted their lives.  If I could, I would change it all, I would bring him back and Zoya would still have her daddy; but I cannot and so any good that comes of this, even if it’s a sliver of good, lightens my load just a little bit.

John 12:24 Very truly I tell you, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds.

Very truly I tell you, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds.

 

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7 comments on “The Next Day

  1. Still unsure what words to say in times like this. After being at the memorial service, I wish we had the honor of meeting Shah. Even though we didn’t know him personally, I believe the world became a little dimmer now that he’s not in it. Keep writing. I guarantee your words are helping others deal with their own loss and pain. We love you.

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  2. jackwbruce

    Camila, My wife and I were not able to greet you following the memorial service for Shay. Yet, I want to say it was a beautiful service that honored Shay and glorified God. I went away wishing I would have had the opportunity to know Shay as all that was said revealed that he was truly a unique, wonderful, caring man, father and husband. I believe many of us went away from the memorial service wanting to be more like Shay.

    I will keep you in my prayers as you face “the whole range of emotions” you referenced in this post. -Jack

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  3. This loss is one that no one will ever be ready for. Thank you for your honesty with yourself and for sharing it with all of us. At the women’s group on Wednesday, Kris talked about God making a way through the darkness. I like to imagine that He is a light that shows our steps, but unfortunately, He often only shows them one step at a time. I wish we could see the distance in front of us, but I ask that He gives us the faith to just take one step at a time.

    The service was incredible. Just as someone as amazing as Shah deserved. I’m sorry I didn’t get a chance to hug you and Zoya. I hope I can do that soon. We are here, carrying you with us in our hearts and prayers throughout each day.

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  4. Camila – I wanted to comment and let you know that I am in awe of God’s light shining through you, not only at this time (as I have gone back and read old posts), but certainly most acutely at this time. He is using using you and Shah as an incredible example of his Grace, Mercy and Faithfulness. It has had a profound impact on me and countless others.

    You and Zoya are in my prayers throughout the day, every day.

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  5. Darlene M

    Praying and praying and praying. It is not the end, but it certainly is not the same. It is hard when your love is in heaven, but he is there. He has not ceased to exist. Some times I think people just “talk about heaven” as if it were only a figment of our imagination, but when it becomes real like this we hold onto the weight of hope, of a real place that is tangible and good. God understands your ache of separation and I know He has good for you and for Zoya coming. SO hard. Praying.

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    • This is so true. It has all suddenly become so REAL to me. Thank you for these words. It was never real before.

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