I often feel like we only had a year because Zoya only had a year. We became a new thing when she was born. But he’s been loving me for three years and someday I’ll remember that.
For some reason, those photos of him happy and free in Turkey are the hardest for me to wrap my head around. Truly his happiness there was solely based on his hope for us and plans for our future. He didn’t like it there. But still, my brain just won’t grasp that that man is now dead.
I believe someday my memories will become whole and I will truly remember all three years of his love, but for now, the reality stops with her birth. She is our love. She brought us more fully to life. I believe when I can handle it God will open my heart to our full time. Right now, I can’t get past her loss. She lost her daddy. I told him so often that she was the luckiest girl alive because she had a daddy who loved her so much.
I can be happy for him but I cannot yet be happy for her. She shouldn’t have to live these years on earth without her amazing, loving daddy.
My only prayer for her now is this. I pray that she will have a special sensitivity to the Spirit of God and that though she is without her earthly father that she will know so strongly the love and presence of her God Father. Her daddy’s spirit and my spirit are always together in Christ. May she not only know this, but truly feel this all the days of her life.
God Provides for Us 
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