The Blessing of Unfulfilled Dreams

My blessed almost 10 year old daughter, while trying to plan something for my Mother’s Day – a feat that is difficult for an only child without a living earthly father – was asking me questions about my first Mother’s Day yesterday.

My brain was nearly blank, because I gave birth four days before Mother’s Day, and barely remember a thing. So, her questions sent me on a hunt through emails and my old blog to see if I had anything recorded, and I found this gem.

I wrote this the night before Mother’s Day, three days into parenting about my precious girl and her father.

He told me the day you were born, when we were finally alone for a moment, that there was no way you were going to daycare. He’s always been open to staying home with you, but I don’t think he realized how deeply he would feel the need to keep you safe. There’s nothing I want more in the world than to stay home with you. It’s been my life’s dream. But for now, it seems God has other plans. Daddy will stay with you while I work—and because your daddy is so wonderful, I’m at peace with that. Someday, I hope I can be home with you too. But for now, God has given me the best man in the world to care for you when I can’t. You are such a blessed child.

What I Didn’t Know

There was no way for me to know at that time, that he would be killed a few days after her first birthday, and that I would not trade him getting to spend the last year of his life with her napping on his chest for anything in the world.

When Dreams Go Unfulfilled

I guess I wanted to write this for those living in the midst of unrealized dreams. I wanted to be a stay at home mother so badly, it was a non-negotiable on my eHarmony profile. I am forever grateful that God gave me unnatural grace during the last year of his life to be happy for him staying at home, rather than bitter that my dream was not coming true. I would regret, now in hindsight, if I had spent the last year of his life bitter at what was truly one of the greatest blessings.

So much of our development happens in the first year of life, and she is who she is because of his love.

A Different Fulfillment

I eventually got my dream of staying home with my child, at least during COVID and I’ve been blessed with many jobs that have allowed me to have her with me so much of a time. We were also blessed with a school that truly feels better than my other dream to home school. But I didn’t get my original dream, I got something I valued so much more.

For Those Who Need Hope

We live in a broken world. This story does not give anyone permission to call evil good or tell anyone that they shouldn’t grieve their loss, or to spout off some empty comfort of “it will all work together for good” or “it will be all right in the end.”

I write this story to give hope. Hope for those who have had so many broken dreams. There is always a bigger story. I don’t know the story, but I do know it’s Author.

Oh, And That First Mother’s Day Gift?

Oh, and I did also find record of my first Mother’s Day gift. I finally produced just enough milk for her to pee 2x in one day. So my gift was that mighty yellow pee and I never was so excited about a gift in my entire life.