We should be celebrating our four year anniversary tomorrow, but in this broken world we live in you were killed by a stranger for no reason at all.

I cry as much today as the day your first died.

For months, I’ve felt adjusted to my new normal, my normal as a solo working parent of an amazing little girl. But this week, I was both blessed and wounded by a memory of life with you.

This week, I’ve been filled with memories of living with a warm, loving man, and sharing life with a prince of a husband.

Sometimes it hits me out of the blue… “Did I really used to share life and love with such an amazing man every single day?” How can at times I nearly forget the depth of all I’ve lost? How can this new normal ever be okay?

Death is not okay. This world is not okay. I am not okay, but I’m not relying on my ability to be okay right now. God will provide.

Grief is not linear. It comes in seasons and waves. My life is better because I was loved by Shah, but I cannot remember the depth of that truth without also grieving the loss of his bodily presence.

Tomorrow may be an easier day, or maybe an easier day won’t come for months, but the easier days will return. Even now, at the height of the pain, I’d rather endure this for the rest of my life on earth than to live a life without memory of your love.

Until we meet again, I love you with every gasp Shahriar khan.

6 comments on “Anniversary Grief

  1. Praying for you!!


  2. Kim Olsson

    I’m so sorry. I am praying for you & your sweet daughter. 🙏


  3. Luane Thomson

    Stunning. So true. He loved you and Zoya so beautifully. Though such a short time together on this earth, your love spans many lifetimes. I lift a prayer for you.


  4. Jann Swartzendruber

    Oh Camila, Your ability to express both extreme grief but ultimate trust in God is deeply moving and a witness to your faith in God and your love for Shah. I am very touched by both your broken heart and your heart filled with great joy.♡ Thank you for sharing.


  5. I think of you often. 💔🙏🏻✝️


  6. I am always taken aback by the wedding vow ’til death do us part” because if there is a strong and abiding love there is no way for death to end it. If any thing, I think death seals it. That eternal seal keeps us returning to the memories of a life lived. Nothing changes that love except that it possibly grows stronger. I believe one begins to rebuild ones life on the foundation of the strength of that love. It is the breaking down and rebuilding of each moment of every day that makes one both weak and strong. We truly grown stronger at those broken places. I have watched you this past year venturing out beyond the walls that surrounded Zoya and you. The sad times and tears haven’t left, but they have fertilized the life you are growing– a new life. Please know you are in my prayers for this day and the days to come. God does provide. God is Love.


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