Months ago I told Zoya there would be no more nursing after Christmas and she believed me. Whenever anybody would ask her what she was going to do for Christmas she would say no more meme no more milk. I started to dread it as the time grew closer, but I didn’t want to go back on my word because she believed me. She needs to trust me. I owe her that much.

But a few days before Christmas she got a terrible stomach flu and when she could finally keep anything down it was primarily my milk. You can’t exactly stop weaning a terribly sick child relying on nursing for hydration, nutrition, and comfort. A few days after Christmas she came down with a terrible constant cough. That is also not a good time to stop nursing a child who likes to use you all night long. In addition to her needing to nurse while she was sick, I was building up my supply to meet her need.

However, all is not lost and tonight on the eve of my birthday the meme ended and she has no idea that this is not what I said would happen from the start. After all, I said that meme would stop at Christmas, but I realized I’m Anglican so Christmas doesn’t end until the 6th of January. Plus, my background is non-denominational so I can be really flexible about traditions.

So this year, in the Zolfaghari house, Christmas ended January 7, 2018 around 3:00 in the afternoon. She has asked a few times and has screamed at me a few times. She has also tried to rationalize a wee bit. But she fell asleep with me just holding my arms around her body like the big spoon.

She has my panties, a water bottle, and an elephant; and a chocolate ball in her treasure box at the end of the bed waiting for her to wake up her first morning without meme.

I’m surviving. The holding her to sleep helped. I’m not loosing my baby, we are just entering into a new stage together. Here’s hoping it’s a stage with a little more sleep.

Since I know I won’t be able to go backwards once I’m done, I’m afraid I’ll regret it if she gets sick again this season. My husband wanted me to nurse for a long time. He still remembered vividly his mom making him stop, which clearly means he was old enough. Due to my crazy schedule he was okay when I first decided to stop around one, even though he wanted two or three. But when he died shortly after that decision, I decided to keep going because in my shock I had no idea how I would bond or even care for my child. It has been the biggest blessing, from those first months when I had no brain cells but knew she was getting nutrients no matter what else I forgot to do. To all the following months when it just made the difficulty of single parenting a little easier. I couldn’t hand her off when she was loud or upset, but I could make her happy and quiet really fast.

We both still need extra doses of affection from each other, but since she will likely be in my bed for several more years, I hope I won’t regret this promise fulfilled. No more meme after Christmas.

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