I’ve mentioned in the past, that I have occasionally found myself throwing up in the middle of the night and become excited that I would be able to rest the next day and not go to work. I wasn’t throwing up because I was exhausted, I was throwing up because of a virus or the flu. Without those times I realized I needed to learn to take a break before I needed one so badly I didn’t mind being sick to get it.
I am starting to accept that I’m still at a point in this grief journey where I need a lot more breaks than I used to need. I guess you don’t build up your crying strength and no matter how much you cry it still makes you exhausted. I don’t want to feel the way I do and so I keep trying to characterize myself as a normal single parent, but no matter how much I try to ignore it I’m still a grieving widow. I’m having to say this more to myself then to anyone else, but because I am blessed to be surrounded by people both physically and on the Internet who seem to understand that even better than I do.
I was getting to a place where I was longing to be sick again so that I could have a forced break when this gorgeous snow happened. So yesterday morning I decided we were snowed in and within two hours as I saw school-buses getting stuck on our road I was very glad I did. I am trying to do the things I would advise somebody else in my position to do. We are playing, resting, baking, and reading.
This snow is a blessing and it’s so nice to rest somewhere besides the bathroom floor.
I know I’m not even slightly alone in my feeling challenged to take breaks. Why are we so hesitant to accept our weaknesses and frailties? How do we get to the point of understanding if something is beyond our strength and ability it is not something we are supposed to do? How can we get to the point of there being no shame in recognizing our limitations, but rather accepting they are part of the unique way we are each made, not judging those who are stronger know those who are weaker?