One and a Half Years Ago

One and a half years ago my Love was murdered. I miss him as much today as ever. In many ways it doesn’t get easier. It changes. Shock wears off, the pain becomes normal, you have more happy moments, you get more exhausted as each day seems the responsibilities seem to outweigh any renewal.

I don’t want to think about that right now. I want to think about him.

Shah Zolfaghari loved us so well. He loved life. He loved naps in the sun. He loved his nieces and nephews. He loved his daughter’s voice.

This current life is not sustainable.

Ok so how I’m really doing. I love my daughter.

She is the joy of my life. Somethings are easier this year because she’s a year older. I’m less alone. We have fun together.

But overall, single mom, widow, executive director life is overwhelming me right now. I’m completely operating at a deficit. Each day, the deficit is growing. My life does not currently have a sustainable rhythm. It’s been 70% work, 60% childcare, and 40% house responsibilities. For a former math wiz, those numbers just cannot add up. An even bigger problem then that math is that I need to find at least 40% more for personal responsibilities to avoid falling further behind each day.

This is not sustainable. This is year 1.5.

I’m feeling overwhelmed but far from hopeless for two reasons. First, it’s better than I know things are unsustainable so I know things have to change, than to be blind to the need for change. Second, I trust God will provide, whether than means providing more strength or leading me to a place of fewer responsibilities. God is a God that overcomes. God can do the impossible.