Accepting and Moving Forward after Loss

I shed my morning tears today. 

I still don’t believe you are gone. 

It’s so hard to process that this is the rest of our lives. You are gone and I am here. It’s like that physics law you just can’t quite wrap your head around. For a moment, you grasp it, and then it fades away. 

For a moment, I understand. You were killed. You are at peace with God. I live with our two year old. All the chores in the house are my responsibility. You will not be coming back. I miss you, but Zoya and I can still live a full life and celebrate every day. 

Then it all gets foggy again. Where are you?  Surely you will come back today. We did it. We’ve learned the lesson. We’ve remained faithful. Surely we’ve passed this test. 

You felt so close the past few days. I imagine you are here with your head in my lap. I imagine you are holding me again with your arms around my shoulder as I cry. 

I am Camila Zolfaghari. Widow of the loving and brilliant Shah Zolfaghari. We had an amazing three years together that felt like the only three years that ever matter. Everything before, led me to you. Everything after, is because of you. 

I will go forward knowing your love. I will relearn to treasure each day and make each day count. This isn’t what I hoped for, but I will not pout. I will search for the good. I will embrace widowhood and motherhood. The Z girls will make each day special. Shah’s girls will live fully because they are loved.