I still don’t know when I should push through the tears and when I should stop and cry in the moment. There are times, there are meetings, when I have to set it all aside and get to work. But what about those weeks when you set aside the week for planning and paperwork,; but at the start of the week, all you want to do is read books about where you lost love one is now, journal, and cry? When is it needed time to mourn and when is it procrastination? When is it time to rest and heal, and when is it time to push forward?
I get frustrated with myself at times, and my inability to get work done some days. I try to figure out what work I can get done. Is it a day for meetings, or visits, or busy work, or thinking work?
I get frustrated but then I realize, I just had a phone call with the parole board for my husband’s half brother. One my my husband’s greatest hopes and dreams was for his brother to be out of prison and to be able to someday work with his brother. I had to tell my story and my husband’s story. Should I really be hard on myself for not being able to think straight about budgets and goals today?
And yet, did those who hired me, not hire me to get work done? I have the job I always wanted; a job that is purely results driven, and not at all based on time in an office. I need to get work done.
And yet, if I don’t stop and breathe, I cannot hear my husband say he loves me or feel God’s love and protection.
I have to trust. I updated some of my pages when I took some time to write on my anniversary and on the page about my new job I said part of what I liked about it is that so much of it is actually out of my hands and only in God’s hands. Well budgeting, feels like it is a little more in my hands, and yet, it isn’t because time and brain capacity are not in my hands.
So this day, on Friday, at 4:25, I stop. I breathe. I rest. I cry. I feel God’s comfort and love. I feel Shah’s love and peace. I quit striving with a plea that God will redeem the time next week and give me speed, focus and peace.