A Year Ago – It’s Not Okay

A year ago. 

He was so full of joy and life and love. As I’ve learned to still my mind, to rest and not fill my mind with useless noise, I’ve remembered him. I’ve remembered the amazing joy he had and his love for us. I remember how in love we were. I remember how he always leaned against me when we sat. 

And it’s not ok that he was killed. It’s not okay just because “at least Zoya and I had his love.”  It’s not okay just because others have it worse. Death is not okay. It is not okay to end a life, it leads to unending pain and brokenness. 

I don’t understand. I keep dreaming he has left and wake up thinking I just need to text him and talk to him and then remember he was killed. Death is not okay. 

Shah taught me so much, he taught me love and gave me Zoya. He forever changed my life for the better, but it’s still not okay that he isn’t home with us tonight, talking to Zoya, doing laundry with us and keeping my feet warm tonight. 

Death is not okay. That is why Gods gift of eternal life is so great. He overcame the worst. Death. The greatness of his gift only starts to be understood when you are honest and truthful about the horror of the separation of death.