Grief

Rest

In recent weeks have changed how I’ve used my daily planner and weekly examen, and basically rather than set three priorities and goals for the week I’ve just written REST everywhere. I think it has been three weeks since I’ve done anything but work on resting. 

I’m not good at resting normally and right now, slowing down and napping alone, without him is even harder. 

But the words rest and abide have been running through my mind since the beginning of the year, and I was becoming fairly nonfunctional in all my movement. 

Shah taught me how to nap with him, but I didn’t learn to nap without him. Recently, I’d hope the baby would nap before I got home from work so I wouldn’t have to lay still for an hour. Even though I was too tired to think.

So I made resting a goal, not because I wanted to, but out of obedience and humility.  It was my only goal. 

So, I said yes to Ariel taking Zoya out of town. I didn’t avoid Zoya’s nap time.  I deleted mind numbing game apps, and downloaded and used a centering prayer app ( 30 minutes of nothing but scripture meditation or even just recognizing the presence of God. I walked slowly and without a goal, destination or even a book. I kept up with daily Bible reading mostly, but put real Bible STUDY and language learning on hold. I focused on breathing and being in His presence,  and I cried a lot. 

And then I realized, after a few weeks of this, I’m a little bit back on my feet.  Somehow, despite an insanely busy work week, I’m functioning again. I’m taking things to the thrift store and cleaning out my office. I’m taking my dry cleaning and even slowly cleaning out some of his drawers. 

I don’t think I’m ready to take rest completely off my priority list. I still think it’s what I need most. It’s just encouraging to see God healing me enough to get a few things done, even when I rest, or really because I was obedient to rest. 

Do others find rest one of the hardest things to do?  I can distractedly, with TV or Facebook, waste a whole lot of time, but actual rest is the hardest thing to do. 

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About Camila

From the mountains of North Carolina. New widow of a man from Iran. Mother of one precious girl. Anti-human trafficking expert. Pro-life leader. Sister to 16 siblings. Daughter of God.

3 comments on “Rest

  1. rogerholmack

    Rest comes with healing. Healing comes with rest.

    Like

  2. Yes, I do find it hard. I am a “doer”. I subconsciencionsly check off what I do, what I “make”. Matthew 11:28, 29 are verses that I know I need to meditate on. “Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden and over burdened, and I will cause you to rest.(I will ease, and relieve, and refresh your souls) AMP….v. 29 b you will find rest (relief and ease and refreshment and recreation and blessed quiet) for your soul.
    Keep seeking rest, Camilla.

    Like

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