A Painful Stage of Grief

The stages of grief are not neat and orderly like you may have read in some Facebook article or seen on a sitcom. Disbelief, anger, sadness, and acceptance, are all stages you may or may not be in a million times, they aren’t orderly steps towards healing.

Now I’m in a stage where I’m coming out of a foggy place where I couldn’t remember him and his love, and into  a place where I remember my amazing husband and am broken that I’ve lost him.

He sent me this photo a few nights before he was shot and killed in the same shirt he was wearing when he died. It says John 3:16 on it and has the verse writen out on the back.

How can a kid with a gun destroy this loving, joyful, wise, hopeful husband and father?  If I only look at the physical world it seems as if evil easily destroyed good.

But even when I have faith that his good continues, I’m still broken that we don’t have him with us for the rest of our lives here on earth. That reality is hard to accept. It’s hard to stand the pain. It gets harder every hour. Every hour, as I come out of shock and remember him more and more, I remember one more moment we will never have again.

No more trips. No more dinners. No more smiles exchanged while watching Zoya. No more taking Zoya while the other rests. No more walks. No more drives. No more kisses. No more hand holding. No more comfort. No more learning. No more conversations. No more sunsets. No more breakfasts.

My love continues. Does his? I cannot see straight. I cannot think straight.

This journey continues and this stage is not one of great clarity and truth. It’s one of love, pain, and confusion. The challenge is learning to have faith when the mind cannot see past the whirl of the heart. It’s trusting that good conquers evil when you the pain takes so much energy you are unable to think or remember the truth.

I miss my love.

Psalm 52:8-9New International Version (NIV)