Gratitude is a very powerful tool. It can transform the hardest days into a day of blessings. It is getting more and more unbelievable that he is gone. I think those on the outside can grieve more quickly, because they have a better perspective from the outside. From the inside, everything is grey and blurry, and I can hardly see what happened or what existed before. But as time passes and slowly things quit swirling and fall to the ground, I can see all the broken pieces.
Today, I decided I’d make a list of things that I’m grateful happened today.
- I stumbled across some photos I once sent my father-in-law and they reminded me that I knew Shah for three whole years. It may not seem like much, but I’ve not been able to think beyond our last few days. I wanted so many more years, but three years were amazing and I’m glad I’m starting to be able to see a glimpse of those years.
- Zoya was good. Finally. We’ve had a rough few days and a very rough weekend. She is fine with Ariel, but when I’m home she is always afraid I will leave and she cried every time I moved. But today, she was happy and secure. She was good for Ariel and she was good for me
- I got a break! I actually had the thought today, I can’t wait to go run 12 miles so that I can rest. OK, so I didn’t make it 12 miles, I ran out of time, but it’s insane that I think running is rest. THAT is how badly I needed a break and the friend who agreed to watching baby girl was a blessing.
- So that actually just reminded me of my fourth gratitude. I’m grateful that I’m learning. I’m learning I need breaks. It’s pride to think I can just keep going. Today’s thought about running being rest is like that time I got excited when I threw up twice at night because it meant I could call in sick to work. I’m glad I’m better at taking sick days generally, and breaks before I get sick, but I do need so much more alone time right now. And I’m grateful I have friends and family to help.