Sometimes I feel paralyzed and do not want to move. The office brings up so many memories.
- The last time I touched that phone charger, he was still alive.
- The last person I FaceTimed on my work phone was him.
- That business card was for the puzzle we bought Zoya.
I don’t want to touch anything, but the emails that have come in since he died. I feel like if I work backwards through the emails til June 1, I’ll be able to get back to him.
- I drank tea out of that still dirty cup when he was still alive.
- I told him about that thank you note I received.
- Last time I changed the day on this bottle cap, it was so that he would know which milk was oldest.
- He helped me bring my stuff to this office.
- He helped me bring stuff home after my baby shower.
How do I do those things now?
Sometimes it feels like he has been gone so long, and so I can breathe now. But then sometimes it feels like it happened moments ago and I’m knocked off my feet.
It isn’t bad to be knocked off my feet. It’s painful, but also good to remember how very real this is and how very real he was and how very real he is. I won’t be able to fully grasp that Shah still IS if I forget all that he WAS. I have to remember that we were just walking through Muir Woods together, if I’m going to remember that he is now just as truly walking with God who is with me.
Reality and the truth are hard, but we can’t have true hope and joy without truth.
I must keep my eyes on the truth. I can’t breathe when I look through earthly eyes.
I’m one hour closer to seeing him again. He is in our Loving Father’s arms. Unimaginable goodness will overcome this evil. God will provide for me. It will not always feel like it does today.
He fully lived out his 34 years and I got to know him for the last three. I do not know why he was only given 34 years. He didn’t want to live to an old age, but I know he didn’t want to die this soon. This was the number of days that was written for him. Yes, I’d do it all again in a heartbeat, but I’d still always wish for more.