How Do I Love Alone?


How do I remember to keep taking pictures when I cannot send them to him? 
For all the photos we sent to family and posted on Facebook or on this blog, we took at least 50 times that number to send back and forth between ourselves.
We were constant. All day when I worked he would send me photos, and if he went too many hours, I’d request them and get a whole group of them. When he was driving for Lyft in the evenings, I would send him photos just as frequently.
She was OUR love. Our love created her. We had true and complete love for each other; but with Baby, we both fully loved her together.
For Baby, we truly had one heart.  But now he’s gone and I don’t know how to do this.
I’m grateful for every moment we loved her together, for every diaper we still changed together, even though we had been doing it for a year, for every time we clipped her nails together, and every family nap that rarely ended in sleep, but was just a way for us to be together and share our mutual amazement and love for her.
Sometimes I feel like our life, your love, was just too good for this earth; that it wouldn’t be fitting in this dark world for us to have been able to continue on in such love and joy. It’s as if two years as two of us and then one year as three of us was all this dark world could handle.
I know there will be times when I get very angry with the evil and how very much I miss you.
But there are other times when I’m just overwhelmed with gratefulness for the three years of love that we had.
And yet, I have no idea what to do from here. How do I love her alone, when I’m so used to loving her with you?  I feel like she was the diamond, hanging between the two ends of a necklace and one side had been let loose.
She still sleeps between us, but you are not there. We used to touch our feet below her and use our arms to touch each others heads, so that she slept safely in a circle between us. What shape do I sleep in now?
How do I do this without you?  How do I do this alone?
How did the shooter not see the immense value of your life?  You were my perfect gift.
I love you.

1 comment on “How Do I Love Alone?

  1. Pingback: Loving for Two – God's Provisions

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: