So, we have completed our first three years of loss, and I have a four year old. It’s almost painful to write this, but life is going well.
I’m sure that doesn’t make sense to everyone, but it’s the reality when you loose someone. When life goes well, you ache because they aren’t here to enjoy it.
The other reason it can be hard to say that things are going well, is that you have no idea when a wave will hit and knock you flat on your back, and if you have told everyone things are well, you fear they won’t understand when it is dreadfully hard again. People think loss and grief are like a broken bone and that slowly, eventually they heal. Loss is like an amputation, you just get better at living with it. Grief is chronic. You just learn to manage and live a full life with it.
So with that intro, I’ll just say, life is going really well. Age four and a quarter is so much easier than any previous age. I was a bit grumpy when she turned four, because the three-year-old big emotions did not immediately end. But sometime in July, we stepped into what had, until then, only been the light at the end of the tunnel. All I have known for certain, since Shah died, was that I would not always be a solo parent of a toddler. It is definitely all relative, but at the moment, I have arrived. I finished year three of widowhood and no longer a mom of a three year old, it’s not retirement on a mountain top, but it’s not half bad.
One key I’ve learned is not even trying to juggle all the balls. Everyone has ball they are juggling, but sometimes you just can’t do it all. Actually, I’m not sure anyone can do it all, but some just don’t recognize when key balls like focused time with children and heath, are being dropped. During the last year I have slowly been able to pick balls up, without dropping others, but I’m still not trying to keep all of them in the air.
I think my ball progression has been slow, but looking back, relatively steady. A year ago, I was parenting, resting, and had a light work ball. That means the fitness, housework, and cooking balls were in a basket on the floor. I picked up gardening a little over a year ago, because I actually have someone who holds the regular yard work ball for me. I then picked up the full-time working ball. For a while, I was working hard, parenting hard, and laying on the couch. Then, I added the fitness ball back into my juggling rotation. There is a balancing quality to a well-balanced, non-extreme fitness ball. Occasionally, I’m even starting to pick up the housework or cooking ball.
So I’m not even close to having it all together, but life as it is, is going well. It’s the little wins. Today’s were remembering to put my phone down when she was in the room, taking a few minutes to lay down with her at bed time, and spending most of the day in the backyard gardening, playing, and building a bonfire.
I miss him with every cell in my body.
This world is broken and there is so much evil everywhere.
We are blessed with a lovely season of life and we at peace. You never know when the good days will end, but we will trust for those days as well.
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