He has been gone for nine months now. I miss him more than words can say. I miss him more than ever.
It has been a really crazy month. I started my new job and it is taking more time and energy than I knew I had in me, and yet I truly love working to promote life for the most vulnerable. Shah’s life on earth was cut short. Our time with him was cut short. It brings me peace to spend my days in an effort to protect the lives of others.
In a way the last month has been the most painful. The protection of the shock has worn off and so the ache of the loss is more pronounced.
It is all becoming more real, and that can be painful, but it is also partially healing.
Shah and I had wonderful days together for three years (2.5 in the same country). That was not taken from us. We still have the memories and we have the love. We are all different people because we loved and were loved by Shah and that cannot be taken.
What was taken was the future we hoped to have. No one is promised tomorrow. Our tomorrow wasn’t taken, because tomorrow was never given; but our hopes and dreams for tomorrow were destroyed.
As my mind heals and as it begins to understand reality, it begins to think about life as it is and not as we hoped it would be. I do not constantly live in a state of confusion. Every moment is not a painful struggle comparing what we wanted with what is. I am moving closer and closer to understand what is, in my waking moments.
My dreams are still in complete confusion. In my dreams I am still frequently trying to figure out why he left and whether I can get him back. It is actually a relief when I work out that he died and didn’t leave, when I can remember that he loved us to the very end and loves us more perfectly now as he lives with God in victory over death.
The last month has been so hard, but the last days have been a relief. Sometimes I feel our spirits are still connected. Yes, I long to be in his arms and look into his eyes, but I have her in my arms and can look into her eyes, and that is good. I won’t throw out the good I have, while mourning the good that is no longer.
Oh sweet heart. 9 months is nothing in the world grief. Try not to think so far ahead on what you wanted it to be or what you expected. I find that helps as I passed through year 1 last month. Live for the moment or day.