So basically, as I made my big anouncement, I was going down sick. I’ve kind of been battling sickness weeks. Weird, mild stomach issues… but I never have stomach issues. Some cold symptom days here and there. And then Tuesday, a FEVER.
I know I was legitimately sick, but I also feel like my body has had enough stress and change and was just shutting down. I’ve had some of the biggest life changes in the last few years, and I now added a complete total life altering job change.
When I take those online evidence backed psychological exams online my stress level is rightly topping the charts. Single parent. Toddler. New widow. New job. Lifestyle change…
The body wanted rest and the best way to make me rest is to get sick. Otherwise I tend to keep going.
I’m so excited about this new job, but I’m also increasingly sad that Shah was killed, and I’m anxious about leaving friends at work who have supported me for years.
Since the new year, I have been on a roll with daily Bible quiet time, separate study of John, Farsi lessons, and even a little exercise. These things have been fun and I’ve done them because I wanted to, not just to check a box. But even the best of things can be exhausting. God talked so much about the importance of rest and Jesus showed us rest, fellowship, and alone time. He didn’t spend all his days in the temple teaching.
So this week, after Tuesday, I did none of these things. I didn’t shut down or block out, I just rested. I think I’m super human. I think I can go go go go. And then I collapse and as I slowly come to I wonder how much harm I did in my go mode to myself and those around me.
We had two recovery hikes this week. On the second one, I may have traditionally miss calculated the time and finished up after dark. But we were outdoors. It was beautiful. And slowly I’m recovering enough to enjoy the excitement and feel the grief.
I want to be in this moment, but this moment was starting to be too much for this brain, so it sent me to bed til it had time to rest and continue recovery.
Grieving is tiring and you other life changes are multiplying in. Be kind to yourself.