If singleness is one of the most free stages of life, for many single motherhood must be one of the most restrictive. But there is something in me that is refusing to let that happen. Marriage restrictions, aka doing what the other wanted, were good for me. I learned to slow down and loved making him happy by learning to live at his speed. But I have no similar feelings about the restrictions of single parenting, because those feel like they mostly come from fear and insecurity. And I HATE cowering to fear or insecurity.
So sure, figuring out how to pack the car, or even get the 1000 lbs suitcase downstairs while keeping a climbing toddler alive, is a true challenge. But you get a true sense of accomplishment when the car is loaded and your child is still alive and wanting to play with you before starting the journey.
And that adrenaline that comes from the sense of accomplishment can power you on to deciding to stop at the outlets without a stroller so your toddler can find all the “cars” and constantly change her mind about being carried.
Zoya and I had a great day complete with Sabarro pasta and watching videos of her play with her daddy. Sure I had to nurse outside on a bench and she may have cried in a few nicer stores (she just wanted to be outside looking for the next “car”). But as I wrote in a post right before her daddy died, the preciousness of the child’s life should far outweigh anyone’s inconvenience. Some cultures know that and to the extent ours does not, Zoya and I are going to work to bring that knowledge by our refusal to be concerned about others that don’t rejoice at her presence. The logistics of single parenting are hard enough without the added burden of caring if others disapprove. That’s their burden. Mine is big enough.