Sadness

I stayed home tonight. The wave of sadness that is hitting is really overwhelming. This beauty keeps me going but it cannot heal all things. She is a gift, a joy, and a treasure, but it is not her job to overcome the evil. She doesn’t replace him. She doesn’t bring him back to life. 

I cannot believe that the man I explored this world with was killed 17 weeks ago. It’s actually been more than a third of a year. A fly on the wall of my car would have thought it just happened today by my screams asking why.

I don’t really like distractions. I wish I can sit here and cry through and think through and read through and pray through the pain. I don’t want to numb the pain. I want to understand it. 

It doesn’t feel right that on a day like today when I just want to focus on my husband, who he was and what has happened, I have to focus on a job and pulling it all together for another big day. 

I’ve had a couple of joy filled weeks and I knew this wave was coming. I want this wave to come. But I want to be able to breathe through it, not just turn away and prepare another speach. 

The reality of him and his death doesn’t come every day, and when it does, I want to be able to embrace it, to sit in it, to hurt through it. I don’t want to shut it out and proof another PowerPoint slide. I don’t want to pick out a suit and ignore the fact that he won’t get to see it.