Sometime Saturday the dark clouds rolled in. The physical clouds rolled in around 5:00 pm. I was excited to see the storm. Like my namesake from a C.S. Lewis book, I love weather. I actually said, “This will be exciting.”
But a few hours later they rolled into my heart, my mind, my soul.
I’m so confused. I can’t tell up from down. He’s gone. My love isn’t here any more. Nature only gives relief for a little while. Even surrounded by all the beauty, the darkness comes.
Prayers for good dreams and healing remain unanswered. Sometimes new joy doesn’t come in the morning. Sometimes long runs listening to God’s word in peaceful settings, just bring confusion.
Somehow I’m a widow at age 38. I’m a flabby single mom with a stressful job full of evil. I feel too old for this and too young for this at the same time.
I can’t just stay here and read and heal. Suddenly, this week, I was back before news cameras talking about people who buy children for sexual exploitation, because that is still my life.
It doesn’t seem possible for healing not to be my full time job. How I can I just fit it in in the evenings and weekends?
I can escape into nature for brief periods, but darkness and evil always catch up with me.
2 Clouds and thick darkness surround him; righteousness and justice are the foundation of his throne. 3 Fire goes before him and consumes his foes on every side. 4 His lightning lights up the world; the earth sees and trembles. 5 The mountains melt like wax before the LORD, before the Lord of all the earth.
I don’t see this. I don’t see this darkness as God’s power. The verses in John that brought me comfort for the last few months have left me confused and alone.
The end of Psalms 88 makes more sense to me.
13But I cry to you for help, Lord;
in the morning my prayer comes before you.
14Why, Lord, do you reject me
and hide your face from me?
15From my youth I have suffered and been close to death;
I have borne your terrors and am in despair.
16Your wrath has swept over me;
your terrors have destroyed me.
17All day long they surround me like a flood;
they have completely engulfed me.
18You have taken from me friend and neighbor—
darkness is my closest friend.
And yet, I will trust him. My darkness may last longer this time. This wave may be bigger, this storm longer. But I pray for wisdom and understanding, for faith and hope.
Someday these clouds will clear.