I really don’t know where I am with the whole trauma grieving process. He was shot 4 weeks ago today. We got engaged 3 years ago. He had proposed before this date but I accepted on this date.
I’m either in a day of peace or trauma numbness. I don’t know if what happened in Turkey brought some reality to my life or pushed me over the edge.
ISTANBUL — One man worked as a Turkish translator and was escorting tourists back to the airport. One woman, an airport worker, was looking forward to her wedding in 10 days. There were taxi drivers and a customs officer. And there was a Turkish couple who worked together, and died together, in the suicide attack Tuesday night at Istanbul Ataturk Airport that killed dozens of people and wounded more than 200
This world is being destroyed. I miss Shah so much. The little world we made here in our little house was wonderful. It’s still wonderful. It’s full of baby steps and baby laughs. It has the joy of a beautiful baby turning in to a little girl.
But when this little girl’s father ventured outside these walls he was gunned down by a stranger.
She is left with his pictures and my memories and all the love he poured into her, but we won’t get to make any new memories with him.
And now so many others are in the same place. It seems like it’s becoming the new normal.
My heart misses him terribly. It misses him personally. He was my love.
But my head is not in a good place. My head is finding this normal. The danger in finding it normal is when something is normal our brains try to make it okay. Our brains can’t stand constant upheaval so if we see a lot of anything, death, child moeststion, addiction, rape, they want to tell us it’s normal and minimize the evil.
Someone said to me that I’ll have to work through the trauma before I can begin to work through the grief. I think now I know what they mean.
I want to know the truth. The enemy lies when he says death is normal. Death is evil and will be defeated. This is not the end. Someday evil’s reign of terror will be over. For Shah, he’s already been set free.
So the truth that evil and death are everywhere is only a partial truth. It’s half the story. It’s what I see when I look through physical eyes, not spiritual eyes. It’s what I see when I look through temporal eyes, not eternal eyes.
I do believe at the moment Shah died that he was set free from sin and is living eternally. And I do believe that someday there will be a new heaven and new earth and there will be no more tears and no more pain.
And yes, it seems like the wait is impossibly long and I don’t understand why this death and destruction is allowed to go on.
But I remember God is patient because he loves. I remember
The Lord is not slow concerning His promise, as some men count slackness, but is longsuffering toward us, not willing that any should perish, but that all should come to repentance.
So we wait, and we weep, but we mourn with hope.
This is very stream of consiousness because I am writing to myself, writing to figure out what I’m thinking and feeling. So if you have trouble following this post it’s me, not you.