All hours are not created equal. There is such thing as quality time. As a working mom, I really need to learn that. I am a numbers girl. I used to track the number of days im a row I saw different friends. I count the waking hours that I’m with her, and subtracting even two or three is hard to for me to justify.
Working out is completely unjustifiable in my head. When I think about leaving her for a night or even an evening to get away with my husband or a friend, I hear my mom’s voice in the back of my head saying that she never left us. And numbers work both ways. I’m also counting up the hours that her daddy has her alone, so going out without him just adds to those numbers.
But work has been especially wearing the last few days, and not for any productive reasons. And no amount of special food and trying to savor the moment have felt like enough. So finally, after months of ‘trying to make it,’ ith my husband’s encouragement, I left the house and went to a woman’s small group. It was wonderful. Fellowship is so important. I had only met one person there once before. No one else even looked familiar though we attend the same church. But sitting there talking to and listening to a bunch of other women with similar and yet very diverse circumstances and viewpoints was as satisfying as a glass of water while nursing. And for those that don’t know, nursing creates this powerful desire to drink and if you don’t have water nearby you feel like a fish in the desert.
I can’t will myself to survive without fellowship any more than I can will myself to survive without food. It is possible to become relationally anemic and if you try to make your husband and children fill all your needs you will end up disappointed that they can’t do something they were not created to do.
So last night I feasted on fellowship with a few other women, and that time away made my time with baby and husband even more precious, because I was no longer empty and I had something to give.
I wish my 40 hours at work was filling and I could just be home all the remaining hours of my week. But wishing doesn’t make it so. This is my reality. God provides for my needs. I have a need for fellowship. God provides fellowship. I just must be willing to accept His gift.