Be

Be still, my soul.

Be in the moment.

Be grateful.

Be.

What is the 12th wedding anniversary like, as we approach the ten year anniversary of his death?

Honestly, I have no answer for that. But I want to write and process and see how I answer that, because I just went back and read what I wrote in the past and I’m so grateful for the reminder of all those thoughts and feelings. Maybe in another ten years, I will need to read these.

I celebrated two anniversaries with my husband and now nine with my brother who stepped up year one to come down and celebrate with me and it has become something I actually look forward to each year.

This year I had some amazing blocking out, grief waves, and an ugly bout of jealousy as it was approaching.

Blocking Out

Less than two weeks ago, someone I didn’t know shared their anniversary was coming up, and I broke down. My always hyper aware memory that remembers the tiniest things and when they happened had completely blocked out that this day was coming. At that same moment, I couldn’t recall the most basic questions about my marriage, anniversary, or even Iranian culture. I blanked on some very basic questions. Without any doubt my brain was anxiously working overtime to protect me from things it finds painful, even though, I know so well this feelings should never be blocked and can even be savored when they are processed.

Grief Waves

A few months ago, I shared with someone that my grief over Shah felt completely inaccessible. For some, that would seem like a good thing, but grief and love and bound together, and what that actually feels like is that I’d forgotten the love that was had and now lost (well not really lost, but not physically present). I need not have worried. Shortly after that a combination of things, brought those beloved memories and feelings back. In those early days the pain is so strong, but now, I savor every wave and the fact that they will never fully fade.

Ugly Jealousy

Life isn’t easy. My life is very good. I am very blessed, but solo parenting, one income, one adult family life is HARD. Add to that, being an external processor who generally only keeps internal processors as her closest friends. I had moments of hard tears, exhausted overwhelm, and ugly jealously this week. Thankfully, at least one of my internal processing friends is also fantastically honest and kept ordering me to turn to gratitude. I actually refused for a bit, but I did get the point. The gift of the moment, is where I needed to dwell.

Be

My Present, my now, is very good. My house, my job, my child, my friends, my people, my health. All of my negatives were very Past and Future based.

Past – I wanted different things in life that other people have and I don’t have. It had nothing to do with whether I have good things now.

Future – I cannot keep going as hard as I am going this week. It had nothing to do with whether I had the strength to make it through and even enjoy this week.

This week honestly had a few very major, to be celebrated wins. There was so much delight, excitement and fun. I had three major wins in my jobs, one that I have been working on for 11 years.

While my word for this year is WHOLENESS. My word for this season seems to be BE.

My present is very good. My 2026 has been full of goodness and newness. I am not good at sitting still and being present, but when I do I keep being reminded to just BE. BE where I am with the blessings and trials that are mine today. BE grateful for the people who are journeying with me both new and old. BE grateful for the person my child is today. BE grateful for the food I am given today. BE grateful, I am who I am because I am loved so well and for three years, he got to show me that love every day.