New Things – Choosing gratefulness

Yesterday I made my first major purchase without him, except for the funeral. It’s something we had been working towards and saving towards and talked about often. Still we wouldn’t have been ready to buy it if it weren’t for the generous people who are helping us. And I still wouldn’t have bought if some of those people hadn’t given me guidance.
Shah was the half of us that wisely chose not to buy junk but to invest in safety. But now wise advisors who know my fear of spending money reminded me of his advice.
My heart is a mess. Part of my heart is so disappointed that I’m not sharing this goal with him. Part of my heart, the part that sees God is in control, that God knew Shah only ever had 34 years, the part that’s grateful for every one of those days, is marveling at how God is still providing for me. God knew we’d never achieve this goal together, but got us started on it and then provided through others generosity and provided for me and Zoya.
So I can focus on him missing out or on him, God and others providing. I’ll choose gratefulness.
As I was driving yesterday I was given the thought that I was the one Shah chose and the one God chose to carry on Shah’s life on earth after he was gone. Shah was told, “Well done, good and faithful servant”. His work here was accomplished. But I get to carry forward and enjoy the impact from the momentum of his life. I get to carry on some of the goals he worked towards. I get to carry on the raising of his child. They chose me for this. I am honored to be his widow.