First Day of Reality

I’m still working on breathing. There are no words to describe how hard today was. It felt like the day he died, but without as much shock to numb the pain.
Work itself was wonderful and photos like this from Ariel kept me happy.
But returning to my normal routine without him being present brought a whole new reality to his being gone.
Driving to work and not wondering when he would wake up and text me, and mot worrying that he would sleep through the baby waking up was excruciating. Getting home and needing a nap, but not being able to share that nap with him, almost took my breath away.
He loved naps and loved family naps. I didn’t love naps, but often shared them with him. It’s awful to want to take a nap and waste it by not sharing it with him.
And “awful” is the lamest word that doesn’t even begin to describe how bad it feels.
I’m overtired. The first day with an alarm clock is never a good day and lack of sleep doesn’t make anything better.
I really feel like the pain is starting fresh, but joy comes in the morning.
I’d not be making it if it weren’t for God answering the prayers of so many of you. It may not take a village, but it sure takes the Body of Christ. 
If I haven’t responsed, don’t think I haven’t appreciated your words. They mean so much to me right now. Your encouragement, words, and prayers give me the strength to take the next steps, even if they don’t give me the braincells to respond. Please be patient with me and understand that when I’m silent it doesn’t mean I don’t need to hear from you.
I was not drowning all day. Ariel took me to see a friend and even though it started storming minutes after we got outside, there is still something very therapeutic about fresh air and a swirling sky.
TimeHop said Shah sent me this text a year ago. I want to pretend it came today.