Almost four years ago, I ran along this trail at top speed, feeling as if I was running away from the devil and in a way I was. At the end of that run I decided to say yes, someone could give Shah my number.
Exactly one year later I strolled along this trail, holding Shah’s hand and feeling as if we grew closer and happier with each step.
Yesterday, I ran, but felt nothing. It was a beautiful day and I was pushing our 16 month old baby. But he has been dead for 4 months now and I felt nothing but the pounding of my feet.
The pounding of my feet as I ran tell me that I appear to be doing much better than I am. The sun, the colors, the crisp cool air, did nothing but emphasize just how numb I still am.
I feel as if I’m as much in shock as I was on day one, except I can feel the shock more because I no longer even have the luxury of having just kissed him goodbye. I’m getting used to sleeping alone. This is becoming my normal. So the numbness of the shock seems that much stronger. That much deader.
Work feels the same as running did. Muscle memory kicks in and I appear to be functioning so much better than my insides say I am. I am functioning, but my mind is so very confused. It’s as if, when it stops doing the things it knows how to do, it is blank.
Sometimes I feel like a robot, with very primative artificial intelligence. I appear human, but it’s just a clever design. My insides are turned off.
It’s like a coma that saves a person, because they need all their energy to heal.
This is just how I need to be. This is not a bad numbness. God knows all the pain and knows I can’t handle it all at once. I’m in a bit of a coma while I get stronger. I’ll be awakened bit by bit, as I’m able to handle it.
Meanwhile, I’ll keep pounding, and the sound my footsteps will remind me, I’m still alive.
I understand the numbness. It’s been with me as well since February. It has allowed me to just function on auto pilot and get things done without really being engaged, because my thoughts are with my beloved. I think time is what we all need to work through this, and our memories. One day at a time, and the love of your little girl will be your light.
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Autopilot is an amazing thing. Sadly it sometimes confuses others and ourselves about just how broken we really are.
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