Grief

Trying to Find Normal

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Someone told me they hadn’t seen my blog for a few days and asked if I had been posting. I didn’t know. I wish I’d taken a purposeful break for some reason, but I just forgot. I just realized I forgot a shower today too.
My life has no rhythm. I feel like I’m trying to fit into the skin of another creature. Something without two arms and two legs. I can’t seem to make it fit.
A few days after he died I tried to make it fit by eating our normal breakfast and putting things back where he and I liked them. But a few days of that and I just didn’t care any more. It can be hard to care about many thing. I didn’t have the energy.
Life doesn’t fit anymore. He is gone and I can’t make sense out of anything. Now is when I want to have those days in bed that everyone kept thinking I would take earlier. People have done so much that I can’t even keep it all in my head to say thank you. Now I wish they would take Zoya away for a bit so I could stay in bed and cry. But instead, I’m breaking all no screen time guidelines and trying to get her to watch Veggie Tales, while I do my best to stay in bed as much as possible today. Nothing else makes sense. When I’m in bed it’s OK that life doesn’t fit, that I no longer have a rhythm. When I’m in bed it’s OK to flat line and just lay here and miss him.

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About Camila

Based in Atlanta, but from the mountains of North Carolina. New widow of a man from Iran. Mother of one precious girl. Anti-human trafficking expert. Sister to 16 siblings (Yes, some of are adopted). Daughter of God.

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