Trying to Find Normal


Someone told me they hadn’t seen my blog for a few days and asked if I had been posting. I didn’t know. I wish I’d taken a purposeful break for some reason, but I just forgot. I just realized I forgot a shower today too.
My life has no rhythm. I feel like I’m trying to fit into the skin of another creature. Something without two arms and two legs. I can’t seem to make it fit.
A few days after he died I tried to make it fit by eating our normal breakfast and putting things back where he and I liked them. But a few days of that and I just didn’t care any more. It can be hard to care about many thing. I didn’t have the energy.
Life doesn’t fit anymore. He is gone and I can’t make sense out of anything. Now is when I want to have those days in bed that everyone kept thinking I would take earlier. People have done so much that I can’t even keep it all in my head to say thank you. Now I wish they would take Zoya away for a bit so I could stay in bed and cry. But instead, I’m breaking all no screen time guidelines and trying to get her to watch Veggie Tales, while I do my best to stay in bed as much as possible today. Nothing else makes sense. When I’m in bed it’s OK that life doesn’t fit, that I no longer have a rhythm. When I’m in bed it’s OK to flat line and just lay here and miss him.

About Camila

Based in Atlanta, but from the mountains of North Carolina. New widow of a man from Iran. Mother of one precious girl. Anti-human trafficking expert. Sister to 16 siblings (Yes, some of are adopted). Daughter of God.

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