This is how I feel right now, so full of emotions and I guess a little upside down. This picture was taken a year ago. I was in labor, waiting for my first baby to be born.
They say no one prepares you for that day, but that’s not true. Everyone prepares you for that day, what they don’t prepare you for is this day, your baby’s first birthday.
The first birthday feels so huge. I am awash with emotions when thinking about what was going on exactly one year ago. At the same time, any attempts to celebrate that day or commemorate this event are grossly inadequate and end up feeling completely anti-climatic.
I had no idea the one year old baby blues were a thing. Thankfully, I happened to talk to two of my sister-in-laws tonight, who helped me not only know that what I was feeling was normal but also helped me understand why I was feeling this way.
There is no way a celebration can adequately celebrate the past year, the changes, and the love I have for this little girl.
This feels like rubbish… and yet, I’m soooooo glad we did this.
Yesterday we had nothing planned for her birthday. We have to go to a wedding tomorrow and I was feeling like a mama failure. My husband, very wisely and kindly, rather than fix the problem with logic by explaining how I wasn’t a mama failure because we didn’t have a birthday party planned yet, fixed the problem by suggesting we have a party today.
He went and bought a special cake. We went to Toys R Us and bought presents. I wrapped them, even though she helped pick them out. And we had a quick party, just the three of us.
And I’m so glad we did.
And it felt so empty and hollow.
Nothing would be enough, so I’m glad we didn’t do more.
But there has to be more.
But there isn’t.
There are just a whole lot of overwhelming emotions, and the chocolate cake that she refused to touch just didn’t adequately represent the insane amount of love and joy that came into our lives because of what happened a year ago today.
If I had my way, I’d be play by playing our birth story all night long. We’d spend the night remembering every single word, every cry, every pain, and yet still, that wouldn’t not be nearly enough.
It’s so much. And yet His love for us is so much more. I cannot comprehend.