Anniversary Grief

Azizam,

We should be celebrating our four year anniversary tomorrow, but in this broken world we live in you were killed by a stranger for no reason at all.

I cry as much today as the day your first died.

For months, I’ve felt adjusted to my new normal, my normal as a solo working parent of an amazing little girl. But this week, I was both blessed and wounded by a memory of life with you.

This week, I’ve been filled with memories of living with a warm, loving man, and sharing life with a prince of a husband.

Sometimes it hits me out of the blue… “Did I really used to share life and love with such an amazing man every single day?” How can at times I nearly forget the depth of all I’ve lost? How can this new normal ever be okay?

Death is not okay. This world is not okay. I am not okay, but I’m not relying on my ability to be okay right now. God will provide.

Grief is not linear. It comes in seasons and waves. My life is better because I was loved by Shah, but I cannot remember the depth of that truth without also grieving the loss of his bodily presence.

Tomorrow may be an easier day, or maybe an easier day won’t come for months, but the easier days will return. Even now, at the height of the pain, I’d rather endure this for the rest of my life on earth than to live a life without memory of your love.

Until we meet again, I love you with every gasp Shahriar khan.