There should be a tax credit for widows. A ‘Congratulation, you survived despite your breakdowns, here is $2000.’ Also, money paid for burial expenses should be tax-deductible. It seems like that would be an easy win for some legislators. Who doesn’t want to make a hard time just a little bit easier?
I was doing well until I opened a document that reminded me of a payment that we had been daydreaming would help him finally start his business, or maybe we could use the money to make some long anticipated changes to our house, or maybe we would just get rid of those pine trees we are forever afraid will fall on the house.
The memory of our hopes for the future, our plans and our dreams, broke my focused attitude where I was getting things done.
Then there was the final question, “What is Shahriar’s driver’s license number?” I don’t know. His wallet is still in evidence from his uncharged murder.
So it has been a good weekend. A three day weekend that involved naps and staying at home would have been his ideal weekend. I did it this weekend because grief is exhausting and I needed to rest. He would’ve loved this weekend even if he had all the energy in the world. We really missed him this weekend. It would’ve been so perfect.
Our last weekend together was Memorial Day weekend almost a year and a half ago. But it feels like it was yesterday. I went through his drawers yesterday looking for special things to give his family.
I learned an important lesson this week that I am trying to assimilate into my soul. This will always be a horrible and tragic loss. Nothing can or should normalize this or make it OK. We get by, and even live with hope and joy, because God gives us miraculous strength. We do not survive because this is something less than horrible. We survive, despite how wrong his murder is.