So far, the holidays are so much worse than I expected. I remember reading one person’s blog who said they were better than she expected, better than the ordinary days, but that is not the case for me.
Ordinary days have been hard, but this is worse. I don’t know what is harder, doing things without him that we once did together or doing nothing at all.
The days are so long and pass so slowly. Yet the weeks go so fast. These pictures are lovely, but all I see is the person who is missing. I’m glad I was prepared for it to begin to get worse around the sixth month mark. I didn’t dread it, and knowing it was coming helps me hope that better days will also come. I didn’t realize all I’d lost. Maybe I still don’t.
I didn’t just lose my love. I lost the person who made spending time with me a priority during holidays. I lost the person who cared for Zoya and contributed to the household income. I lost the person I make decisions with and the person who made others keep their opinions to themselves. I lost the person who was going to make it possible for me to stay home and home school Zoya. I lost the person I was learning to be a better person with. I lost the person I was growing with. I lost her baba. I lost my constant friend.
But I don’t want to end on that note, the world is dark enough. There is good and I want to end with a few thankfuls.
I’m thankful for friends who reach out at random times. I’m thankful that Zoya has an aunt to love her and care for her while I am gone. I’m thankful that I have a church and pastors who are looking out for me. I’m thankful that I forgot to cancel HelloFresh this week and I had a good meal. I’m thankful I had the energy to open my mail today.
I’m thankful that a God who loves me likes to do the impossible. Surviving my future and raising Zoya the way we wanted to seems impossible right now, but with God all things are possible.
Anyone want to share a pain or a thankful?